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11/20/07 03:02 pm - Update
I am horrid at doing this every day...but I will try. This last week has been long...very long. So lets start from where we left off. I went and saw linda, she is for therapy. So that I try and heal whats been broken for so long. I told her about my rapes...some of them. About the beatings, being homless. About why I fight so hard to stay hating god. But we talked for about an hour. She told me I needed to change. And I went with an open mind, so I agreed and asked how. Of course "God" Was part of the answer. So I am giving him another shot. I dont know yet if im fully giving everything to him. But im trying. Second, which shocked me honestly, was she told me to change my name. Pandora habors as many demons as my birth name. Which I guess it does. SO I spent about half a week without a name. Danny came up with Escae. It sounds pretty, has no meaning that I know of, and is my new "Name" until I find one that suits me better.
I went home after Linda's, and the last week has been a blur. Ive slept alot cause of pain, and I know im not losing weight. The dr told me I have to but I just cant get motivated. I need to start but dont have a clue how to. I also need a job. But have been putting that off. I -will- go and get one. If I dont have one by the new year, I think I might leave...Then again I dont think danny will let me. I spent all my time running He wont let me run away. But Im tired of being useless. But I just have no willpower to start ya know? Not having a way to get anyplace but walk is part of it. My knee and back hurt when I just sit here, walking will just make it worse...~sighs~ Gotta do something.
*Bruce...I dont know what to even say. You changed my life. Completely. But not in a good way. I was FOUR you sick fuck. My god...what the hell was wrong with you. I hope that not a day goes by that you dont think about what you did and wish to god, that it didnt. My whole world has revolved around that. Those years of molesting, rape...abuse. Ive harbored such hard feelings, such anger. Such hate. I blamed god alot for it. Wondering what kind of god would let you into heaven when you did that to a 4 year old, if you said your sorry. But I dont think he will. You may still want to..but After you have paid your debt. I need to let you go...Im 28 now. Thats 22 years that I have spent dreaming of what you did. Of how much it hurt, How awful it tasted...I shouldnt have nightmares of you still. I shouldnt remember ever detail as if it was yeasterday. But I do. And I sit here, shaking. Because the thoughts Ive had ive never written down. I hate you. With every fiber of my being. You ruined my life, and my mothers life. She got rid of me shortly after that. Neither of us could handle it. She didnt know how she could not see what was going on, and I just..was empty. Other than hate which boiled up like some curse inside of me. You have children..and for YEARS I thought of what it would be like to watch your face as one told you she had been raped. But I dont think like that anymore I dont wish anything bad on your girls. I wish them long and healthy lifes. As for you..I HATE YOU. I LOTHE THE DAY YOU CAME INTO OUR LIFE. YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT WHO CANT GET OFF UNLESS YOUR FUCKING A FOUR YEAR OLD. I HAVE LONG WISHED YOU DEAD,LONG WISHED THAT YOU WOULD BURN IN HELL KNOWING HOW MUCH YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE. But...now that I am trying to change, I find all of those feelings still true. But one I didnt think I would have. I forgive you....Yes..I forgive you for what you did. Because it will not be me who deals with you, it will be god. He will take care of me...You will be punished, for everything that went on. And I still very much hate you. But I forgive you...*
I went home after Linda's, and the last week has been a blur. Ive slept alot cause of pain, and I know im not losing weight. The dr told me I have to but I just cant get motivated. I need to start but dont have a clue how to. I also need a job. But have been putting that off. I -will- go and get one. If I dont have one by the new year, I think I might leave...Then again I dont think danny will let me. I spent all my time running He wont let me run away. But Im tired of being useless. But I just have no willpower to start ya know? Not having a way to get anyplace but walk is part of it. My knee and back hurt when I just sit here, walking will just make it worse...~sighs~ Gotta do something.
*Bruce...I dont know what to even say. You changed my life. Completely. But not in a good way. I was FOUR you sick fuck. My god...what the hell was wrong with you. I hope that not a day goes by that you dont think about what you did and wish to god, that it didnt. My whole world has revolved around that. Those years of molesting, rape...abuse. Ive harbored such hard feelings, such anger. Such hate. I blamed god alot for it. Wondering what kind of god would let you into heaven when you did that to a 4 year old, if you said your sorry. But I dont think he will. You may still want to..but After you have paid your debt. I need to let you go...Im 28 now. Thats 22 years that I have spent dreaming of what you did. Of how much it hurt, How awful it tasted...I shouldnt have nightmares of you still. I shouldnt remember ever detail as if it was yeasterday. But I do. And I sit here, shaking. Because the thoughts Ive had ive never written down. I hate you. With every fiber of my being. You ruined my life, and my mothers life. She got rid of me shortly after that. Neither of us could handle it. She didnt know how she could not see what was going on, and I just..was empty. Other than hate which boiled up like some curse inside of me. You have children..and for YEARS I thought of what it would be like to watch your face as one told you she had been raped. But I dont think like that anymore I dont wish anything bad on your girls. I wish them long and healthy lifes. As for you..I HATE YOU. I LOTHE THE DAY YOU CAME INTO OUR LIFE. YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT WHO CANT GET OFF UNLESS YOUR FUCKING A FOUR YEAR OLD. I HAVE LONG WISHED YOU DEAD,LONG WISHED THAT YOU WOULD BURN IN HELL KNOWING HOW MUCH YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE. But...now that I am trying to change, I find all of those feelings still true. But one I didnt think I would have. I forgive you....Yes..I forgive you for what you did. Because it will not be me who deals with you, it will be god. He will take care of me...You will be punished, for everything that went on. And I still very much hate you. But I forgive you...*
angry
nervous
depressed